COLD...

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Iowa plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Des Moines sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Iowa drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Cedar Rapids gets thicker.

20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats. People in Iowa throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Iowa have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Iowans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Iowa get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Iowa are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Iowa let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Iowans get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Iowa start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Iowa public schools will open 2 hours late (like they did yesterday!)