MICHAEL PHELPS... IN THE BEGINNING

Brenda sent me this. I am just dying.... too funny!!!

FAVRE

Brett sent a funny about Brett.

SMALL TOWNS

Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday, you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to 'drag' Main Street.

5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairybar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonalds.

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true.

IOWA WINTERS (Thanks, Mary Jo!)

Dear Diary: Iowa Winters:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Iowa . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Iowa is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Iowa . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry "comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Georgia . I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Iowa

JOKE OF THE DAY (Courtesy of Brett Atwood)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than I am. I was maybe a year and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby, in the living room, when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing EVER!!'

My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??"

MAXINE'S LIVING WILL (courtesy of Karla Bonifazi)

(Karla adds: "Got to love that Maxine. I wasn’t going to send this one along, but by the end I was laughing so well, I just had to share the joy! Happy Winter to you all, especially those of you that are NOT dealing with all this crappy Iowa snow. Admit it, you miss it!
Karla")

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So, she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

APPLES AND WINE

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men....men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Send your hate mail to Diane. I am just the messenger.

(Good one, Di.)

IN HONOR OF PETERSEN GETTING OLD

...think back 30 years...

1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1977: KEG
2007: EKG

1977: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1977: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to California because it's warm

1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1977: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1977: The Grateful Dead
2007: Dr. Kevorkian

1977: Going to a new hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1977: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office

1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977: Disco
2007: Costco

Hope da Norwegians appreciate dis Irish humor.......ya for shure........(courtesy of Tom Hatcher)

An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness. He alternately sips one, then the other, then the third until they're gone and then orders three more. This routine goes on for months. Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman orders three pints all at once.

'Well' he says, 'the first pint is fer me brudder in America and the second is fer me brudder in England, and the tird is fer me. We vowed that wherever we were, we'd do this every Saturday, so even though we're apart, we're all having a pint together right now, just like old times.'

The bartender, touched by the story, nods in agreement and explains to the lads at the bar who have witnessed the curious behavior.

Several weeks later, the Irishman enters the pub and orders just two pints. The bar falls silent. As the bartender walks slowly up to the table with a pint in each hand, he says 'Me and the lads want you to know we're terribly sorry about the loss of your brother.'

The Irishman looks perplexed for a moment, then says, 'Oh heavens no, me brudders are both fine! I've just quit drinkin'!'

COLD...

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. People in Iowa plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Des Moines sunbathe.

40 above zero: Italian & English cars won't start. People in Iowa drive with the windows down.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Cedar Rapids gets thicker.

20 above zero: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats. People in Iowa throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Iowa have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Iowans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Iowa get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Iowa are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in Iowa let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Iowans get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Iowa start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Iowa public schools will open 2 hours late (like they did yesterday!)

From Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes.... And, we're all over 40, so let's celebrate!!!!!

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.

HI, I JUST RECEIVED THIS ONE AND ABOUT DIED LAUGHING!!! YOU HAVE TO READ
IT, AND SEE HOW MANY YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU GET TO THE VERY BOTTOM, TO
DETERMINE IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS DIRT! I BET YOU ARE!!!

I WAS!
BRENDA

Older 'n Dirt!!

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day,

"What was your favorite fast food when you
were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,"

I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained.

"Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa
got home from work, we sat down together at
the dining room table, and if I didn't like what
she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there
until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was
afraid he was going to suffer serious internal
damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how
I had to have permission to leave the table. But
here are some other things I would have told
him about my childhood if I figured his system
could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house,
wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled
out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving
charge card. The card was good only at Sears
Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe
he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice.
This was mostly because we never had heard of
soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50
pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but
my grandparents had one before that. It was, of
course, black and white, but they bought a piece
of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top
third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third
was green, like grass. The middle third was red.
It was perfect for programs that had scenes of
fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a
sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the
front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was
called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned
the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off,
swung down, plastered itself against my chin
and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza
I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that,
the only car in our family was my grandfather's
Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only
phone in the house was in the living room and it
was on a party line. Before you could dial, you
had to listen and make sure some people you
didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But
milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and
all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a
newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents
a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had
to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday,
I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers.
My favorite customers were the ones who gave
me 50 cents and told me to keep the change.
My least favorite customers were the ones who
seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At
least, they did in the movies. Touching someone
else's tongue with yours was called French
kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't
know what they did in French movies. French
movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to
see them.

Ever felt like doing this to someone?

(A little Brett humor for you.)

A Iowa Hawkeye fan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cellphone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Iowa Hawkeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Iowa fan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Iowa Hawkeye baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Iowa Hawkeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Iowa father takes a slow swig from his Leinkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Hi Everyone.

With fall upon us, and the days getting shorter, I thought you would appreciate this superb, evocative, masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season. So, grab a coffee, a comfortable chair, relax and scroll down to enjoy the warm feelings and pleasure that this wonderful poem will bring....

"ODE TO WINTER"

SHIT! It's cold.

The End.

(Some funny stuff from Brett.)

New Rules for 2007

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.Com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, the chili costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky bastards.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out.

New Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #11: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I Don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Happy
Friday!

Here is a joke and pic from Kathy A..... is she saying
men are pigs?????? It's just a question. Geez. Relax.

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old. The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.